Roller coaster ride

Part 1

The first time our eyes locked. I remember it like it happened a second ago. It had been a pretty long tiresome day at work so I decided to stop by my number one coffee shop before heading home. I sat at my favorite spot at the far end with my steaming hot cup of espresso, enjoying the relaxing sensation of it’s hotness running through my throat to the rest of my whole body. Mmh, a little piece of heaven right there.I finished my coffee and was about to be on my way when I felt someone’s presence in front of me . I looked up and alas! My eyes landed on the most exquisite creature-he was like nothing I had ever seen before.

A creature with the most perfect face- squared, with a straight bridged nose and a neatly beared chin. A face so radiant it could drive away darkness with it’s bright glistening eyes-almond shaped eyes that were the colour of the earth- deep and rich. Not to mention the breathtaking wide smile, mesmerizing enough to melt a guarded heart.

This beautiful 5’9 feet being standing right in front of me made my head go bananas in the most senseless way! Damn! I was contemplating what to say and how to say it when words rolled off his tongue in a deep modulated voice. I stared at his red luscious lips as he said something that I didn’t quite hear because I wasn’t really paying attention … I mean, can you blame me? I have a very active imagination and couldn’t help but envision his fruity lips delving into mine, ardently devouring them, tasting every inch of my tongue, consuming me with incredible ecstasy and setting my whole body ablaze while … “Hello, excuse me ma’am,”he disrupted my fantasy while waving his hands across my face. 

Realizing I had  travelled to some other non-existent world, I came back to reality, cleared my throat, composed myself and put on a serious face. “So how can I help you, sir?” I asked. He chuckled and said, “Well I’ve been watching you since you came in here and couldn’t resist the urge to come and talk to you. I mean, your beauty is completely undeniable. Am Len,by the way. And you are…” Okay this was so cliché. He looked like a smart guy he’d have done better. In circumstances like this, I’d bash the guy and walk away. This was different though. I couldn’t bring myself to stand up and leave. Oh my! He must have cast a spell on me! Okay so instead of saying, “Haha nice try but I don’t have time for this so I’ll just be on my way.” I found myself saying, “Oh hi! Uhm nice arms! I mean shirt! Nice shirt. Nice complexion too…chocolate … just the way I like it. Shit! Sorry I meant that I like chocolate. Very much. Chocolate is very sweet. I like eating chocolate. Very yummy…just like yo..”And then I put my hands over my mouth before I could embarass myself any further. I’d uttered so much gibberish damn it! “Wow. So much compliment. Thank you. You’re really funny I like you already. So your name… “he said with a corny smile on his face. “Lisa,I’m Lisa.” Phew! I can’t believe I actually drew out those words without being slurry. Good work Lisa! Oh that was my head celebrating. 

So the guy asked if he could join me but I was done already so what was he joining me for?  (Again, not so smart!) But he was lucky his spell on me was working because I immediately said yes without question. So he sat with me and I remember dreading the conversation that would ensue because I loathe small talk. So I was crossing my fingers real hard…hoping he wouldn’t bore me.

Surprisingly, we hit it off quite well. We talked for what seemed like an eternity. No small talk. Deep stuff. About the meaning of life, the world, science, religion, our perspectives on controversial issues in society, our dreams and wildest fantasies and we also talked about books! Can you imagine? Books! We joked about first world problems and also brainstormed on the cheesiest pick up lines which he obviously won(was your dad a boxer? Because damn! You’re a knock out!) That had to be the winner😂. We had so much in common it seemed unreal. And apparently, he liked chocolate too 😝.The conversation was so thrilling we actually orderd more coffee. To be precise, we each had 3 more cups of espresso(no kidding peeps). And we didn’t even notice the time pass until the coffee shop closed and we had to leave. 

He accompanied me home and I didn’t feel like saying goodbye. I mean,the guy made me laugh so hard until my stomach hurt. My cheek bones weren’t spared either! What kind of mythical creature was this?  And where had he been all my life? 

So as we stood outside my house, we let the silence do the talking. Comfortable silence, not awkward silence. We just looked into each other’s eyes, smiling, reading each other’s thoughts and feeling each other’s hearts. Then in sync, we reached out, hugged and said hello. Not goodbye.It had to be hello. Because it was just the beginning, the beginning of an exciting roller coaster experience with highs and lows and in the end, an end.

To be continued…

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A letter to my beloved

Dearly beloved, 

It’s been quite a while and I can’t handle not saying what’s on my mind and heart. So I’ll just write you this letter.

See it’s not that your love wasn’t enough. Neither is it that you didn’t treat me right. Baby it’s not that I loved you any less. I know this is cliché but babe it wasn’t you. It was me.

It was all me. I know this because  looking back, you were the best thing to have ever happened to me. I remember how perfect you were. And I mean perfect in every sense. From the perfectly planned out romantic dates to the beautiful movie nights, the constant check in phone calls, the long giddy texts while not forgetting the gifts. Oh my the gifts! If it wasn’t an expensive elegant dress or a classy Louis Vuitton bag, it was glamorous earrings or neck pieces or those 6 inch hills that I like. You showed me love in the most beautiful way -I remember your dazzling brown eyes looking into mine, melting the ice of heartache away, warming them up, drowning the fear and anxiety in them…they always made everything right. 

Yet perfect can never be really truly perfect you know? We definitely had our downs. And you were always so calm about everything, no matter how bad it was. I never really quite understood how you would quickly forgive and forget. Remember the time I came home at 4am in the morning really drunk from a night out with my friends? And you were worried sick because I hadn’t told you about it and had been off? Well till this day I vividly remember the look in your eyes -they spoke sadness, portrayed disappointment and I could see the hurt. I was drunk but I saw it. Despite that you carried me in your arms, cleaned me up and put me in my Pjs. I recall you holding me tight in bed, kissing my cheek and whispering “goodnight my Angel,sleep soundly, I love you.” And the next day I woke up to breakfast in bed- waffle sandwich with sliced strawberries and a glass of freshly made lemonade… my favorite, and I felt so guilty I couldn’t bring myself to look at you but you lifted my chin, smiled gracefully, gently kissed my mouth and told me everything was fine and that I had your forgiveness. How about the time I stood you up at the airport? We were supposed to get away for the weekend but I had other plans that apparently didn’t involve you. “It’s okay love, there’s always a next time. Bye. I love you.” You said on the phone as you hang up. Those words linger in my mind till this day.

And I didn’t realize how much pain I caused you especially because you were always okay with everything. I never realized it until that day -the day that even fate, couldn’t take it anymore. You caught me red handed…cosy in the company of another. I swear to you my heart had never raced that fast, and I have never hated myself  as much as I did that night. 

In disbelief you looked at me with the most dispirited betrayed eyes and spoke in the shakiest voice, “What more do you want me to do Lisa? You want me to get the moon for you? You want me to dive into the ocean for you? Do you want me to go to the ends of the earth for you? What do you want me to do Lisa? Just say it and I will do it! I love you and I have proven it more than enough times but I can do more just tell me Lisa I…” You broke down in tears and got on your knees ignoring all the people in the restaurant watching. Seeing you down there, broken, and in your most vulnerable self brought tears to my eyes. I cried because I couldn’t comprehend the kind of love you had for me.I cried because I was mad at myself for hurting a man so deserving of all the love and respect offered by the universe. Baby I cried because I knew I had to make the most difficult decision in my life-a decision that would tear you apart, I had to let you go. 

That’s when I ran  into your arms and dried the tears on your face with my palms. You did the same and we hugged for what seemed like an eternity, neither of us saying a word. We were engulfed in each other’s thoughts and hearts.

When we got home that night we stayed up talking… Talking about us..in each other’s arms. But mostly it was you talking… Saying that we would make things right, that you would do your best to make me happy. “Babe I love you so much…and you’re not perfect, neither am I.. But we can make it work. Don’t give up yet. We’ll work harder on us.. We’ll.. ” I put my index finger on your mouth cutting you short and slowly shook my head, Tears trickling down my face.

And in that moment, you knew. You knew there’s nothing else you could have said, nothing else you could have done. That was it. You took a deep breath, exhaling a sigh of defeat, stood up and walked away. 

I wanted to follow you and hug you and kiss you and tell you that I was sorry, tell you things would get better and that you’d find the right one for you. I wanted to ask you to forgive me and spend the rest of the night reliving the good times and moments we had shared. Babe I wanted to assure you that I did love you. That letting you go was a decision I had to make for the both of us. But… I couldn’t… I just couldn’t. I had already hurt you so much, and pouring my heart out to you would be selfish, it would be trying to seek closure, to make me feel better. So I couldn’t do that. Because I cared about you. 

And it wasn’t easy for me either. I had it rough too. Most nights while laying in bed all I would think of was your beautiful face smiling at me and your huge hands wrapping me up like a baby. 

It would have been easier if I stuck around to try fix things but babe I need you to understand that I was too damaged. I wasn’t good enough for you. And I was scared, scared that I wouldn’t change, that I would only get worse. I needed to fix myself. I grew tired of you having to clean my mess, of you having to spend your time worrying about me while you could be out there giving your love to someone who really deserved  it. I needed this too. 

So one year down the line and I still think about you. One year down the line and my heart still skips a beat when I see your picture. Still get goosebumps when someone mentions your name. Still cuddle the huge teddy bear you got me on our very 1st anniversary. One year down the line and I think my heart will never really let you go.

I would send this letter to you but I wouldn’t want to cut open a wound that’s healing so I’ll just keep it. Put it in that little box of ours… Our little box of memories.

Goodbye beloved, till next time.

Could you be the one?

When you rest your forehead on mine 

Your hands cupping my face  

Both our eyes closed 

And with no words said 

I know what you are thinking 

Because am thinking it too 

Could this be it? 

Could you be the one? 

And when you rub your nose on mine 

And tease my lips with yours 

I can’t help but smile 

Butterflies invade my tummy 

And jitters overrun my whole body 

And right then I wanna say something 

But my mouth ends up saying nothing

Could this be it? 

Could you be the one? 

Oh master of pleasure

How your kisses are a treasure  

Deep soft and sweet 

Indeed so heavenly 

And your touch so gentle 

Enthusing  sparks of electricity  

A feeling so beautiful 

Could this be it?  

Could you be the one? 

It’s how your words melt my heart 

And calm my distressed soul 

How my tears parch on your shoulder 

How your fingers stroke my cheeks

Turning my frown into a smile 

How your eyes bring light unto mine 

Caressing them with utmost tenderness 

Could this be it? 

Could you be the one? 

I’m sorry

I’m sorry you were drawn to me 

By my dry jokes and silly laugh 

By the senseless endless stories 

The stupid little games

And high lively spirit 

Dear, I’m sorry…but  

I am not your destiny 

I’m sorry you saw sunshine in my eyes 

A captivating bright glimmer that 

Warmed your heart and 

Made you see something special 

Feel something beautiful 

Dear, I’m sorry…but 

I’m not your destiny 

I’m sorry you found solace in my embrace 

That somehow my smile was reassurance to your fears 

My voice a tuneful melody 

Soothing your soul 

Allaying your distress 

Dear, I’m sorry…but 

Am not your destiny 

I’m sorry I didn’t see it 

That I didn’t look beyond your friendly gestures 

To notice the passion and desire 

The fervent want in your eyes 

That I unseeingly led you on 

Dear, am sorry…but 

I’m not your destiny 

I’m sorry you thought I was the one 

That your heart now burns in flames 

That you love me 

That I love  him instead 

Dear, I’m sorry…but 

I’m not your destiny 

Broken

I watched her drown herself in self pity and criticism, soaking her pillow day in day out with unending tears of despondency. She was lost in the world of not being good enough, buried in a raging sandstorm of ignobility. She tortured herself with the memories of the past, unceasingly reliving how her now wrecked heart was ruthlessly massacred, leaving her on the edge of oblivion. These chronicles opened the incurable sore wound evoking immense bitter pain but it’s like she had grown accustomed to feeling it. She said it was the only emotion that fit her. That she deserved nothing but pain in her life. She had always felt unworthy since the man she wholeheartedly loved deserted her. 

Everything was going great. They were in love or at least she thought they were. He blinded her with his soft, sweet passionate kisses. His tender touch that ignited flames of thrill and desire within her. His intimate glare that burned her soul and made her feel wanted. He made her feel alive-something no other man had managed to do. She knew he was destined for her. He was the perfect knight in shining armor, just like in her dreams. Sometimes it all felt so surreal and would question it but then his persuasive utterances of his undying love for her  and promises of ‘always and forever’ would replay over and over in her head until all doubt faded away. She couldn’t prevent herself from falling – it was inevitable, impossible.

And it turns out her instincts were right..something so beautiful couldn’t possibly exist. She woke up one morning and all was lost. It was all gone without a trace. Yes, just like that – in a heartbeat, he was gone, her world had been shattered. She relentlessly reached out to him but to no avail. He turned a cold shoulder and acted like a complete stranger towards her. He shut her out, left her bewildered, without answers, without an explanation whatsoever. He moved on and completely forgot about her- about their story. She was devastated and even more bruised when she learnt he was doing fine. He was happy. So happy without her…in the arms of another.

I felt for her and so I tried to ease her pain – to heal her wounded soul. I tried to bring light into her dark world. But she was already in too deep into the misery. In too deep into the stormy waters of affliction. I beseeched her to at least refrain from constantly watching his every move because it only made things worse but she didn’t heed to my plea. She was still in denial-still stuck on him. 

He took the ‘new girl’ to places he never took HER. He gave her beautiful gifts that Carla had dreamed of all her life. He treated her so much better than he did her, showed her so much affection. She felt betrayed. Foolish. Good for nothing. And just when she thought she had had enough, she learnt that the other girl had claimed his heart since childhood. Carla was just a stress reliever, a distraction from his rocky relationship. His first love would always be the one..no matter what. And Carla? Well she was just a by the way. Was she not worthy of love? She gave him everything -her love, her soul, her body, her mind.. her heart. She reminisced of all these and couldn’t help but feel torn apart. 

Every night she cried over my shoulder my heart would ache for her. I would tell her everything would be alright and that she only needed to take a brave step and move on. “I can’t forget him, I’ve tried, he keeps invading my dreams, my thoughts, am afraid am halfway down the sinking sand of hopelessness, and I can’t be saved,”she said.

She will only heal when she realizes that she doesn’t need a man’s approval to determine her worth. That her misfortune was not a life sentence- it was a challenge, intended to make her stronger. When she comes to terms with this she’ll break out of the cage of misery and fly once more and find peace and hopefully, love…true love. 

Redemption

He’s  driven by the desire to fill the void in his heart. The void that gradually grows with every breaking dawn and setting sun. He has broken, burned and completely destroyed himself in the name of finding the lost piece that would make him whole again. The piece that left with his dear mother almost two decades ago. The piece that makes his heart bleed day in day out. The piece that has made him the monster he is today. 

He seeks solace in the bottle, needing it as much as he needs the air to breathe. He Lusts after all kinds of women, using them as he pleases and throwing them away like garbage after he’s done with them. Hate is an understatement, he loathes them, just like he does his mother. “If I could wipe out the whole degenerate female species from the entire human race I could. They are despicable!” He says. The lovable little 10 year old boy  who was once so full of life and joy has never been the same since he was abandoned. Deserted by the only woman he ever loved. The only woman who saw the best in him. The woman who was his super mom -his heroine. 

Photo credit: Erni009, Google 

It has been torture growing up without her. Most nights he couldn’t sleep. How could he? Knowing mommy wouldn’t be the one to wake him the next morning with lots of tickling, kisses and hugs? How could he wrap his head around  the fact that she would no longer be there to witness him grow into the man she’d always wanted? Who would be there to comfort him when he needed a shoulder to lean on? Who would give him relationship advice when he became of age? Who would bring him back to sanity when he lost his way? Who would he look up to now? She was his world. And his world fell apart when she left. When she left in the arms of another man. She chose him over her little boy. 

He tried to understand why but he was still too young. Every time he’d ask his father why mommy left he would get a severe beating. Every time he tried to be close to him his father would push him away. Every time he went to him with a problem all he’d get was insults, “I am not your mother!  Useless son! You’ll never amount to anything. Be a man and stop crying over a woman! She’s gone!” He tried to shake off these hurtful words but they lingered in his mind, never leaving. But his father did not care. He was so lost in his own world-bringing women home every night. All they wanted was his money and he knew it but they offered him a kind of satisfaction, belonging, a kind of power. And so he kept them coming. And Liam had to grow up in this kind of environment. Is it a shock then, the kind of man he’s become? The only way he could adapt to this kind of life was by being cold and strong  so he shut it off- the soft-hearted Liam. He let go of all the memories of his mom. He switched off the light. And that was the birth of the void that he has since tried to fill.

He was destroyed by a woman, and a woman will be the one to save him. Yes. There’s still hope. He has not reached the breaking point yet. So she needs to come into his life sooner, before he snaps, before it’s too late. She can help him, because she understands. She’s been watching him and she likes him. When everyone else sees the worst in him, she sees something special, it’s there, she has seen it every time he brings food, clothes and gifts to children here at the orphanage. She’s seen it every time he plays with them, they adore him. He saw it when he he held her up to prevent her from falling that morning they first laid eyes on each other. And the day she caught him staring at her but pretended to look the other way.

He’s noticed her too, and it scares him that he’s attracted to her. But the need to be close to her is stronger than his fear and his black heart. 

Photo credit: Jeffrey Vionito 

The lost piece is near. He can smell the sweet scent of redemption. 

Tormented soul

He says it’s my eyes. That they are incomprehensible and mysterious, portraying a kind of darkness- a kind of obscurity. That they are the most perilous and most indifferent eyes he’s ever seen, so cold that it is almost impossible to warm his way through. He is however not intimidated by their resentment but rather drawn to them, allured by the fire in them. He seems to be the kind to run towards trouble. The kind to play with fire. He does not know what I am capable of- he’s oblivious of the fact that everything I touch is reduced to ashes.

 He is therefore constantly on my case, adamantly reaching out- reaching out for something…He is convinced that there is indeed a story behind these arctic eyes. So I deter him from his persuit, always throwing cold water on him-putting him off, because he’s right. If he looks deeper, deeper than he already has, he’ll find it. He’ll see it- the anguish, the dejection, the desertedness. He will figure it out, and that would make me vulnerable, and vulnerability is dangerous. It has caused so much misery before. Just thinking of it feels like a sharp hot sword piercing right through the very core of my heart- an unbearable kind of excruciating pain like walking barefoot on hot coal, or being consumed by molten lava. It’s an overwhelming kind of unending torment that I would not like to relive. 

So these eyes that could once light up a whole room by their glitter so bright like a swarm of fire flies in the night, are now engulfed with utter blackness. They are clouded with so much outrage. It’s so much emotion to bear sometimes that I opt for numbness. Not feeling. But he does not care. He is so unaware of the fact that these eyes cannot glow again, he cannot bring back the sparkle in them. The weariness they now depict cannot be replaced by the enthusiasm they once passionately beared. It is all gone- all gone with the wind.

Every morning I wake up to his text is another day at the battlefield. Another day to fight this  guy who thinks he’s ‘my saviour ‘. Another day to put on my armor and win this war.